Hypocricans

by Ruth A. Sheets

Whenever an election season comes around, folks begin talking about third parties.  I want to get a head start.  I have a modest proposal for a third party, or rather, a second and a half party.  I would call them the “Hypocricans.” 

In order to be a member of this party, one must meet a variety of rather strict criteria.  But these criteria are DOABLE and I suspect that there are a great many people who could join tomorrow.

First, a member must want only to associate with people who believe the same things he does.  This is very important because it can make a person uncomfortable to have any beliefs challenged, and God knows a lot of folks can’t bear to be challenged on anything, especially related on their cherished beliefs. 

Members must not have an original thought.  Original thoughts can alienate those one would like to emulate.  It might make others think a person is too smart to be included in their set, and that would be a tragedy.

Members must be male or hold to the “honored” tradition that white men are superior to everyone else.  We know that a lot of women and a few people of color have this essential value, so, for awhile at least, there will be a strong pool to draw from.

Members must be Christian, and assume that our founding fathers were all Christian (no matter the actual religious faiths of George, Thomas, Benjamin, and the others).  Only Christians truly have God’s ear and know exactly what God wants everyone in America to do.  In their heart of hearts, they must know that God has ordained them to be His army on earth.

Members must hate “Big Government.”  That hatred, however must only extend to programs that help people who are poor, struggling, aging, disabled, unemployed, uninsured, and children.  The role of “Big Government” is to enforce the values of the hypocricans:  Big Military, Big Money, Big Brother in the bedroom, Big Security watching everyone everywhere. If you’re doing the right thing, you won’t care who sees you.

Members must hold forgiveness in high esteem.  That forgiveness, though can only come after tearful, if not too sincere apologies for infidelity, extortion, embezzlement, influence peddling, insider trading . . .  And, this forgiveness wipes out all previous offenses, but only for members and their supporters, the true believers.  

Members must LOVE guns.  Despite all evidence to the contrary, members must KNOW that guns are the only way they can be safe.  Members will adhere to the “keep and bear arms” clause of the second amendment, but carefully forget the “well-regulated” or “militia” parts of the same amendment.  

Members must believe that science is a hoax and that nothing science or scientists have to say can be counted as true unless it directly helps the military, provides drugs to improve members’ lives, or contributes to members’ comfort and convenience.

Members must know how to make mountains out of mole hills when small problems arise within the opposition administration:  Benghazi, IRS targeting a few right-wing organizations to be sure they really are “social welfare” and not political, tapping phones of a few journalists.  They must also know how to make mole hills out of mountains when they are responsible for outing CIA agents, starting wars due to a series of lies (so what if more than 4,000 Americans died--it was for the security of America), not showing up to help minority victims of a natural disaster, remember Katrina.

In short, Hypocricans must value hypocrisy above all virtues.  There are a whole lot of people who would make terrific members.  I nominate Sarah Palin, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Michele Bachman, and Marco Rubio as the token minority figure.  I’m guessing that Karl Rove will design their platform for them.  He’s had a lot of experience and anyway,  he is a charter member.