by Ruth
A. Sheets
Whenever an election season comes around, folks begin
talking about third parties. I want to get a head start. I have a modest
proposal for a third party, or rather, a second and a half party. I would call
them the “Hypocricans.”
In
order to be a member of this party, one must meet a variety of rather strict
criteria. But these criteria are DOABLE and I suspect that there are a great
many people who could join tomorrow.
First,
a member must want only to associate with people who believe the same things he
does. This is very important because it can make a person uncomfortable to have
any beliefs challenged, and God knows a lot of folks can’t bear to be challenged
on anything, especially related on their cherished beliefs.
Members
must not have an original thought. Original thoughts can alienate those one
would like to emulate. It might make others think a person is too smart to be
included in their set, and that would be a tragedy.
Members
must be male or hold to the “honored” tradition that white men are superior to
everyone else. We know that a lot of women and a few people of color have this
essential value, so, for awhile at least, there will be a strong pool to draw
from.
Members
must be Christian, and assume that our founding fathers were all Christian (no
matter the actual religious faiths of George, Thomas, Benjamin, and the others).
Only Christians truly have God’s ear and know exactly what God wants everyone in
America to do. In their heart of hearts, they must know that God has ordained
them to be His army on earth.
Members
must hate “Big Government.” That hatred, however must only extend to programs
that help people who are poor, struggling, aging, disabled, unemployed,
uninsured, and children. The role of “Big Government” is to enforce the values
of the hypocricans: Big Military, Big Money, Big Brother in the bedroom, Big
Security watching everyone everywhere. If you’re doing the right thing, you won’t
care who sees you.
Members
must hold forgiveness in high esteem. That forgiveness, though can only come
after tearful, if not too sincere apologies for infidelity, extortion,
embezzlement, influence peddling, insider trading . . . And, this forgiveness
wipes out all previous offenses, but only for members and their supporters, the
true believers.
Members
must LOVE guns. Despite all evidence to the contrary, members must KNOW that
guns are the only way they can be safe. Members will adhere to the “keep and
bear arms” clause of the second amendment, but carefully forget the
“well-regulated” or “militia” parts of the same amendment.
Members
must believe that science is a hoax and that nothing science or scientists have
to say can be counted as true unless it directly helps the military, provides
drugs to improve members’ lives, or contributes to members’ comfort and
convenience.
Members
must know how to make mountains out of mole hills when small problems arise
within the opposition administration: Benghazi, IRS targeting a few right-wing
organizations to be sure they really are “social welfare” and not political, tapping
phones of a few journalists. They must also know how to make mole hills out of
mountains when they are responsible for outing CIA agents, starting wars due to
a series of lies (so what if more than 4,000 Americans died--it was for the
security of America), not showing up to help minority victims of a natural
disaster, remember Katrina.
In
short, Hypocricans must value hypocrisy above all virtues. There are a whole
lot of people who would make terrific members. I nominate Sarah Palin, Mitch
McConnell, John Boehner, Michele Bachman, and Marco Rubio as the token minority
figure. I’m guessing that Karl Rove will design their platform for them. He’s
had a lot of experience and anyway, he is a charter member.
